Like songbirds returning to the garden in spring, Valentine’s Day is approaching and shoppers will soon be returning to the malls to mark the first big consumer event since Christmas. Retailers are rubbing their hands as they try to separate desperate shoppers from their money.  But what to get that special person on your list? Here are a few tips to help you avoid disaster.

Lingerie: Blokes need to tread carefully here - it’s a minefield. The gift of a see-through teddy or a bustier with garters and stockings is really a gift for you, gentlemen, not her. Oh sure, women like sexy lingerie, but if she doesn’t feel confident and only notices this bulge and that patch of cellulite when she sports that teddy, she isn’t likely to wear it. A soft, sexy cashmere sweater or a pair of silky soft pyjamas are more likely to make her feel sexy - which will be a win for you in the long run.

Supermarket flowers: Nothing says “damn I forgot” better than supermarket flower arrangements that are going to die a few hours after they reach their destination. Not just those, but boxes of candy purchased at the neighbourhood convenience store or little stuffed animals snatched up at the check-out stand.  Retailers lay in wait each year, lining up trinkets just for you last-minute shoppers. Instead of grabbing the first thing you see, spend a few minutes thinking about something she would really enjoy before you enter the store. There’s a good chance the most meaningful gift isn’t in that store, and won’t cost you a dime. Think!

Gym membership: If what you’re trying to say is “I love you, but you’re too fat”, the gym membership will do the trick.  You may be of the impression that a gym membership represents a gift for the heart from the heart. Maybe so, but it would take a very confident, special woman to see the heart-felt gesture.  Instead, try a gift certificate for a pedicure or a massage. Nothing says lovin’ like a little pampering.

Household goods: No Hoovers, microwave ovens or toasters, even if they come in hot Valentine red. Nothing that screams “housework”. That is the gift that keeps on giving… her a headache. How about a lovely picture frame with a shot of her favourite person inside? (You, maybe?) Or a quiet dinner together alone. It doesn’t have to be expensive or extravagant, as long as it’s from the heart.

Now a walk on the weird side. Here are a few really strange gift ideas we found online:

The heart-shaped egg fryer: A British innovation is available from crazyaboutgadgets.com, which advises Britishly, “Do not leave unattended whilst cooking (obviously).” Do not give this to anyone you hope to still be dating on February 15 (obviously).

A heart-shaped Hoe: Described as a “very special tool,” this touching hoe will help your beloved pull weeds, edge borders, break up sod, and break up with you.

A gravestone: Finally, a Valentine’s gift to end all gifts, a heart-shaped grave marker (pictured). Available in four colors including “Depressing Taupe and Terrible-Idea Red”. This present is especially unwelcome when it comes from a stalker.